Andrew and Aaron's 1st angel baby birthday

Today marks one year that my precious babies Andrew and Aaron were born angels. I was thinking about them all day and wondering what they would have looked like now, had they made it. I would have one busy house, that is for sure. I miss them terribly, but I know I will see them again when I pass on from this life to the next. Nate and I went to walmart to get some groceries and I picked out a green frosted cupcake. We went home and put a number 1 candle on top and Nate sang his own version of happy birthday to his brothers. It was a very tender moment. I think it is a good tradition and we will keep doing it year after year. I lost the pregnancy I told you about in January. It lasted 8 weeks and we saw a heartbeat and everything. I was so happy when we saw the heartbeat, I thought this time it was going to be ok. I had to take pills to get me to miscarry once they saw on the ultrasound the baby was no longer alive. A couple days later the sac and baby passed, but some tissue was left inside and so I had to get a D&C. This was not how I pictured my childbearing years. I thought I would have at least 3 children if not more and that we would be one big happy family. Not this. This sucks. We are going to persue adopting from the state - maybe a 1-2 year old and try again in September for our own. We will be getting progesterone and some other things to help keep the pregnancy. I hope it works.

soooo..... after Arron and Andrew passed away, we really lost a lot of hope and of course our hearts were breaking. We were afraid to even try for another baby for fear that the same thing would happen. We got the courage to try again and got pregnant in August. It only lasted 7 weeks. The dr. said it was a blighted ovum. That means it fertalized and implanted and started to grow, but then stopped. My body thought I was still pregnant for 3 weeks after it stopped growing. I thought everything was fine until I went for my first app. and the ultrasound showed a gestational sac but no baby. The next day I miscarried. We waited for a month and find ourselves pregnant once again. I am six weeks pregnant and full of fear and worry. I try not to worry, but it is hard when this is your fifth pregnancy and you only have one child at home. I pray this time the baby makes it and we can have our family complete.

Another sad day

Found out on Sept 5th that I was pregnant again and I was excited but guarded due to what happened last time. I waited a couple of weeks to call the dr. and get an appointment. I went in on Friday and they saw the sac, but no baby. They think my dates are wrong.... maybe its just really small. There are two things it could be they said.... dates wrong, or a blighted ovum. A blighted ovum is when the fertalized egg implants and starts to grow, but stops. The body still thinks you are pregnant and starts the placenta and everything.... there is just no baby. I am supposed to go back in on Oct 5th, but I started bleeding yesterday. So I think we are miscarrying. I thought it would not be that hard since it was so early on and it never really grew anyway, but I broke down this morning after an argument with my husband. He does not want to try anymore, but I just want one more..... please I begged. He said maybe. It has been a really difficult weekend. I am confused and hurt. I don't understand why God would let this happen again. Am I supposed to only have one? I love Nate to pieces, but I want a brother or sister for him and another child for me.... is that too much to ask?

New life

I took a home pregnancy test last week and another one tonight.... I am pregnant again! I am excited, but guarded. I am so happy for the prospect of new life and being able to hold a little one. I wanted my boys Andrew and Aaron so badly, but it was not meant to be. I know they are playing with other babies that have passed in heaven and waiting for daddy and mommy to get there. I welcome this little one into my heart, but am having a really hard time letting myself love this new child. I am afraid he or she will pass as well and I will be hurt again. I will just have to see how it goes. I am hoping all goes well and this little bundle will join our family here on earth. I think of my boys every day and miss them so much. I hope they are looking out for this little one too.

Tattoo

Today I go to get my memorial tattoo for the boys. It is two butterflies because that is what they put on my door at the hospital to signify a loss. I own that image now and use it to think of them starting a new life in heaven. Each time I see a butterfly or two I think of my boys Aaron and Andrew. The other day my husband, son Nate and I were out and about by a coy pond and I saw two white butterflies. They seemed to follow us. I told my husband that it was Aaron and Andrew playing with us. So my tattoo today will be a reminder to me of that day.

Aaron and Andrew

July 22, 2010

I am starting this blog to remember my precious babies and have a safe place to write about their short stay in my life.
My husband and I have a healthy 3 year old named Nathaniel, and for the past two years have been trying to give him a brother or a sister. So when we found out in November '09 that we were expecting, it was a happy event. Then in January we found out it was twin boys. We were scared, but very happy to give Nate 2 brothers.
At 20 weeks, I went in for an ultrasound and found out that Aaron had passed away. It was heart wrenching. I could not believe one of my babies died. Then they told us that there was a chance Andrew would have brain damage or die too. It was hard to keep it together. But over the next few weeks we had a baby shower at the school I work at and anticipated the birth of Andrew. He grew 9 oz in 2 weeks and was really looking good. I thought the danger had passed. Then I noticed at 27 weeks that he was not moving much. He had not kicked or moved in over 20 hours. We went to the hospital and they confirmed what I knew in my heart. My precious baby was gone. It was more than I could bare and I broke down and sobbed for my children. I thought of all the skinned knees and hugs and kisses I would not be able to give and the brothers Nate would no longer have.
I had to be induced and give birth to my sons. My husband and I decided we wanted to hold them even if it hurt, because I did not want to regret it later. I thought it was going to be a horrible experience, and though it was the hardest thing I have had to do so far, the hospital staff made it bareable. The nurses took great care of me and loved me and my husband through the entire process. They offered a free service of professional photographs of the boys and hand and foot castings. We decided to do it. I knew I would want them later. They put a butterfly on my door to signify we had a fetal demise to all the staff. I have made that the image I think about when I think of Aaron and Andrew. They are my butterfly boys. I gave birth to them on April 16th, 2010. Aaron was tiny and did not look so good, but he was still my champ. Andrew was 1.6 pounds and looked like a tiny little Nate. The nurses wrapped them and gave them to us to hold. It was the saddest happiest moment.....
We found out that they died simply because their cords had twisted and constricted so much they were no longer getting nutrients. I thought, 'how stupid... what a stupid reason to die'. I wresteled with why God would take my babies from me. I struggled when my sister in law had her little girl on my due date and we did not get ours....
It has been a journey, but I have grown and learned a lot through it. I have come to believe that God did not DO this to me; He did not decide He wanted me to suffer. I will never understand why He allowed it to happen, but there is a reason. I have also come to realize that just because I have a personal relationship with Christ does not mean I will not have suffering. Nowhere in the Bible does it say we will not suffer, it simply says He will be there with us when we do. I have felt Him with me more than ever the past few months. I feel Him holding me when I fall apart. I feel Him wrapping His arms around me and picking up my shattered dreams and giving me new ones.
I think this will be a lifelong journey and I am making the best of it. I want my sons lives to count for something, so I will write about my feelings and thoughts of them.