July 22, 2010
I am starting this blog to remember my precious babies and have a safe place to write about their short stay in my life.
My husband and I have a healthy 3 year old named Nathaniel, and for the past two years have been trying to give him a brother or a sister. So when we found out in November '09 that we were expecting, it was a happy event. Then in January we found out it was twin boys. We were scared, but very happy to give Nate 2 brothers.
At 20 weeks, I went in for an ultrasound and found out that Aaron had passed away. It was heart wrenching. I could not believe one of my babies died. Then they told us that there was a chance Andrew would have brain damage or die too. It was hard to keep it together. But over the next few weeks we had a baby shower at the school I work at and anticipated the birth of Andrew. He grew 9 oz in 2 weeks and was really looking good. I thought the danger had passed. Then I noticed at 27 weeks that he was not moving much. He had not kicked or moved in over 20 hours. We went to the hospital and they confirmed what I knew in my heart. My precious baby was gone. It was more than I could bare and I broke down and sobbed for my children. I thought of all the skinned knees and hugs and kisses I would not be able to give and the brothers Nate would no longer have.
I had to be induced and give birth to my sons. My husband and I decided we wanted to hold them even if it hurt, because I did not want to regret it later. I thought it was going to be a horrible experience, and though it was the hardest thing I have had to do so far, the hospital staff made it bareable. The nurses took great care of me and loved me and my husband through the entire process. They offered a free service of professional photographs of the boys and hand and foot castings. We decided to do it. I knew I would want them later. They put a butterfly on my door to signify we had a fetal demise to all the staff. I have made that the image I think about when I think of Aaron and Andrew. They are my butterfly boys. I gave birth to them on April 16th, 2010. Aaron was tiny and did not look so good, but he was still my champ. Andrew was 1.6 pounds and looked like a tiny little Nate. The nurses wrapped them and gave them to us to hold. It was the saddest happiest moment.....
We found out that they died simply because their cords had twisted and constricted so much they were no longer getting nutrients. I thought, 'how stupid... what a stupid reason to die'. I wresteled with why God would take my babies from me. I struggled when my sister in law had her little girl on my due date and we did not get ours....
It has been a journey, but I have grown and learned a lot through it. I have come to believe that God did not DO this to me; He did not decide He wanted me to suffer. I will never understand why He allowed it to happen, but there is a reason. I have also come to realize that just because I have a personal relationship with Christ does not mean I will not have suffering. Nowhere in the Bible does it say we will not suffer, it simply says He will be there with us when we do. I have felt Him with me more than ever the past few months. I feel Him holding me when I fall apart. I feel Him wrapping His arms around me and picking up my shattered dreams and giving me new ones.
I think this will be a lifelong journey and I am making the best of it. I want my sons lives to count for something, so I will write about my feelings and thoughts of them.
